Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
doing lines of blow through a tampon applicator in the study lounge at 7am so i can finish an italian composition that was due a week and a half ago...such a good student.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Lately I've been very attracted to Kevin Jonas because he's like...less hot than Joe, but he's this healthy mix of both Joe and Nick. It looks like he's finally growing into himself.
Randomize
