The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
Randomize
