remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
Does having sex in the men's bathroom on the boardwalk count as having sex on the beach?
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
do you think the kids from 7th heaven are mad that dennis and sweet dee are their half-brother and sister?
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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