hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
nothing like walking in the house at 3 am in my panties and a sheer shirt carrying a life sized cardboard dale earnhardt jr
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
Randomize
