I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
Randomize
