you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Randomize