your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
Randomize
