I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
Randomize
