How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
is wine microwaveable?
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
If graduating leads me to stop getting naked at inappropriate times in public places I'm going to be pissed
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Randomize