The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
