I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
Randomize
