slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
