Def gonna have stinky sex sometime soon. GOT TO! she has eligible friends for you, as well.
Writing my paper on freud at bar
??
Going up to girls and asking if they were anal explosive or anal retentive as children
Smooth
In line at the arbys drive thru on foot. Legendary.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
almost just walked around my whole building with my bowl in my hand before i remembered 420 isnt a get out of jail free card
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
