my room smells like sperm. sweet.
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
I just sat through a State Farm mortgage Insurance commercial to watch a Trick Daddy video. Is this the target audience they are going for here?
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
Randomize
