Can i not drive my cunt home
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
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