Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
I feel great
I just peed on a car
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Randomize
