Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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