my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
You need Xanax blowdarts
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
Randomize
