I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
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