You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
I just had sex on a roof
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
Randomize
