i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
