So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
