I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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