I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Randomize
