I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
Randomize
