and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
You need Xanax blowdarts
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Randomize
