I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
Drunk is not a location!
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
Randomize
