Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
I told her to to let go of her rationtal thoughts and just enjoy the fact that i was going down on her till she passed out from sheer orgasmic pleasure.
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
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