I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
there are LEGIT cum stains on my ceilling. ON THE CEILLING!! you tell me how the relationship was.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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