i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
Sext me about skeletons
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
