I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Randomize
