she kept yelling 'call me bella'
wait, do i give off the impression that i DON'T want girls to show me their boobs if i video chat with them?
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Randomize
