matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
it glows. i had to have it.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
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