I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
Randomize
