cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
That's how pantless uber rides happen
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Randomize
