I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
a search helicopter?!
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
hey can you send me that pic of that dude?...if this isn't Rochelle's phone...can you please find and tell Rochelle to send me that picture of that dude?
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
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