This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
lol earlier she was acting like a normal gf... and then BANG! shes touching herself again...
so was this before or after i puked down the ice luge?
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
Randomize
