Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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