went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
I was simply suggesting that you really should try coke bondage sex.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
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