When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
I don't think my prof knows we've noticed her No Bra Fridays.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
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