I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
Registered sex offender is the model in class today.... There are too many things wrong with him getting naked in front of a lot of college students.
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
