Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
It's seriously like a finger. But it's a cock. I don't know what to do. I feel like I fuck him to be polite.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
Randomize
