***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
Randomize