he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
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