Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
laying naked on couch sucking water through straw. i can still feel the orgasm from last night. thank you mdma.
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
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