is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
Randomize
