New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
Randomize