Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
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