he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
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