my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
Randomize
