apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
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