my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
Randomize