I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
Some chick in the back of my Psychologhy of Addictions class just did a line off her hand. She tried to make it look subtle.
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
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