By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
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