I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
He is into some weird shit i walked in his room last night he was waving his hard dick around hitting shit yellin cock fight
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
