hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
Walk of Shame today included voting.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
